There are a lot of things I put off doing: homework, leaving my house to catch the bus, writing out narratives that shuffle into my head…although it should be noted that I do get these done. Ee-VEHN-shua-LEE.*
But the daily activity I avoid the most? Falling asleep. I can’t stand it.
For the whole year of grade six (shortly after getting over the nightly stress of ghosts and dead people creeping in to steal me away in my sleep) that was my favourite part of my day. To have the time to just lie in bed in near-complete silence (or maybe to the soothing voice of Jim Dale** lulling me to sleep) and not do anything. I wouldn’t mentally relive my day; there weren’t (usually) burning, existential questions scurrying around my mind; I wouldn’t stay up too late… I would just relax and eventually drift off. I considered my life to be so busy and rushed and I looked forward to being able to go home and literally do nothing.
These days I find myself propped up in the most uncomfortable position against my pillows in bed, my eyelids drooping shut, my mouth beginning to gape open the way it always does the second I drift off to sleep – but I fight it off. I tell myself, “One more episode of 30 Rock…just after I finish straightening my hair…creep one more person’s Facebook page…” (wait, what?) Falling asleep just bores me and doesn’t engage me the way Liz Lemon does.
The nights that I do turn off the light at a decent time, I close my eyes and try. I try to sleep, I try to let go of any thoughts that remain scuttling around my brain or any songs (hah, sucker) that are still lurking in my head. But I can’t. Unless I am totally and completely exhausted and ready to pass out, there will always be one more thought I need to write down, one more song I need to listen to (did you seriously fall for it again?).
Lately I’ve tried to pump myself up for sleep by telling myself that my dreams are going to be awesome and fun (it’s only worked once so far. And my dream was, indeed, awesome). Overall, though, I haven’t had too much success.
There just seems to be so much to DO. I should mention that I greatly value “down time” and so I do consider browsing blogs and reading books for fun and whatnot as doing something. But in addition to keeping up with school work and whatever other activities I involve myself in, there just never seems to be enough time to do everything.
I wish that I didn’t have to sleep. Instead, how nice would it be if the hours between 2am and 7am were considered Self Time (or something not lame) and the norm would be to spend this time on your own in your room, reflecting upon life, or watching a movie, or writing, or singing, or doing whatever you want, but something on your own? It’d be super nice.